Take it on Faith

September 16, 2016

 I've been nervous to talk openly about being trans for a long time.  But I think I've got a lot to share from my perspective having lived on both sides of the world, both sides of hope, and both sides of gender.  So I decided to finally share an important piece to me about what it means to know who I am, but not have any proof to show for it.
 

 

Take it on Faith

(c) EB Words
 

Creeping, sneaking, thief in the dark.

 

Wading, clothes cascading

Closet raiding and they'll be home soon.

Chances fading then what will I do?

 

One more piece for the piece of art

 

Trembling, shaking, chest is quaking

Smooth and snug in strange places,

But in the mirror I'm simply faking

 

A boy in a mother's dress hardly fits the part

 

All the hopes and expectation, but for what?

Self-conception, self-inspection- for a moment true in the reflection?

 

No

 

For all the truth of the truth in my heart

 

With a mask I can't remove what more's there to do

Than sit tight, act right

And hope that one day there's a way for me to break through.

 

Just gotta

take it on faith

Take it on faith

Like me.

 

Take it in faith,

Take in faith

like me

 

In the mean time try to smile like the guys

cross my arms and slouch like the guys

Look cold and flirt and make eyes like the guys

Tried to fool myself but couldn't take my eyes from the prize

 

Couldn't stop me from

 

Just wishin', and hoping',and dreamin', and prayin'

 

Ain't get me nothing though I tried plenty

Try, even tried to take my life

And the times were many

But nothing I tried ever seemed to make right

 

Til a new word lands

In the palms of my hands.

"Hey Emeri, you ever think you might be trans?"

 

Oh

 

Flash forward fast forward

Dad says, "how do you know you're a woman?" I say, " How do you know you're a man?"

He says, "That's not the same." I say, "Don't you understand?

That's all I got to go on,

All I got to know I'm me.

 

Try and stand in court against judge and jury:

Crying and trying brothers, mothers, doctors, and lovers.

 

Argue your case that you weren't supposed to be born this way

No shred of proof or words to say its true

'Cept this isn't me, and if you disbelieve then

 

just gotta

Just gotta

 

Take it on faith.

Take it in faith

Like me

 

Take it on faith

Take it on faith

Like me

 

Wakin' up in a hospital room

Beside me I see bodies through the gloom

I'm aching in all the wrong places

But it feels good and my face is smiling

 

Great aunts and uncles cryin', "just

Why could you've tried harder to find. Jesus?"

Mom and Dad cryin', "just why'd

You make me say good-bye to me son?"

But inside my chest is only light

And I know it's only just begun.

 

Trace my hands over my chest

Bring them between my legs to rest

Breath is easy, pulse just a little bit speedy

And I close my eyes and spread my lips wide to see what I couldn't in the mirror all those years ago.

 

The divine answered my prayers

but the divine was in me, you see?

My family and friends look to me with worry

And ask, are you, will you, will you always be-happy?

 

I says,

Just gotta

Just gotta

Just gotta

 

Take in on faith

Take it on faith

Like me

 

Take it on faith

Take it on faith

Like me

 

Take it on faith

Take it on faith

Like me

 

Take it on faith

Take it on faith

 

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Exploring things cultural, political, and experiential in China and the USA from a Third Culture Kid who grew up on both sides of the world

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